AbbyGailS

Tuhan yang baik

2010-07-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

Tuhan, aku bingung.
Aku tidak pernah mempertanyakan Kamu ada atau tidak, karena aku tau Kamu ada.
Mungkin sekarang kamu sedang melihatku dari surga.
Tuhan, aku bingung. Aku bingung tentang cinta
Mengapa Engkau mengijinkan manusia untuk mencipta perbedaan? Mengapa Engkau membuat manusia berbeda?
Tuhan yang baik,
aku tahu dengan pasti betapa cintamu besar bagiku
tapi sekarang aku bingung Tuhan, aku bingung untuk bersyukur atau bertanya
aku bangga melihat ciptaanmu yang beragam, tapi aku bingung mengapa Kau tidak persatukan semua?
mengapa cinta yang Kau ciptakanpun tidak dapat menjadi jalan keluar?
mengapa tak Kau atur saja semua otak manusia agar tidak membedakan?
Tuhan aku cinta padamu, lebih dari aku cinta siapapun
tapi aku juga cinta dia yang Kau kirim padaku
aku tak mau meninggalkanMu, terpikirpun tidak,
tapi Tuhan, tidak bolehkah ia memanggilMu dengan nama yang sama?
Tidak sudikah perbedaan kami Engkau jembatani?
Tidak bosankah Kau dipanggil dengan beragam nama?
tidak inginkah Kau dipanggil dengan satu nama saja?
Tentukanlah Tuhan, lalu beri tahu yang lain,
Tidak sedikitpun aku meragukan kasihMu Tuhan yang baik
dan karena sejak dulu Engkau memberitahuku untuk berserah, maka aku akan berserah
aku tidak mau protes karena aku tahu rencanamu baik untukku
tapi aku harap suatu hari nanti ketika kita bertemu di surga,
Kau mau memberitahuku mengapa perbedaan menyusahkan segalanya?
mengapa kau bahkan ciptakan perbedaan?
Duduklah minum teh bersamaku nanti Tuhan
aku punya banyak sekali pertanyaan.

unstability

2010-07-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

hey blog, rara today gave me my personality test through my writing a.k.a graphology, and the result turn out to be that i am emotionally unstable (haha tell me about it) and i admit that i am; knowing that sometimes i can be so happy but in matter of minutes i could be like suicidal (well not that bad.lol) especially when its about love, i will try to be honest, maybe honesty is what i need to reach a stability of feeling (duh?)

so lets be honest about abby-raja relationship:

point #1.
u know this whole time i told u my dearest blog that i do not wish forever from him? its a lie.
I as a self-declared most hopelessly romantic person do wish for a forever with Raja. The thing is I know since the beginning of this relationship the feeling was, is, and will not be mutual. I know that deep inside he does not wish forever. I know for a fact that deep inside he knows me is not the person he's looking forward to spend forever with. So, I kill the hope I used to have in my previous relationship. I kill my feeling, before my feeling kills me. Did it went to be successful? yes it did. Am i happy? I am. I am trying to find happiness in a relationship that does not allow me to hope, i tried, and the process make me feel unstable. Sometimes after i met him, i felt this joyous excitement. But when i remember how i cant be too happy about it, the happiness flew to the air. that is unstable..

point #2
On miracle however, i am always a believer in miracle, you can ask my last two exes. I dare to expect God to send me miracle (and i have no doubt in God's ability to make the impossible possible) because I am certain that my last two X do wish for the same miracle, we pray about the same thing, we ask God about the same thing, this does not happen however with Raja, I cant just pray for miracle alone when the other party (read: him) do not want the same. Its not about if God is actually able to conquer all the odds and make a happy ending for us, if you ask me i am beyond certain that He could do it, its more to if Raja actually want it. He doesn't. never did and i guess never would. Its a saddening fact because what i do hope, what i honestly literally want, is the feeling of expecting a miracle. But its me who have to analyze the situation, he's not into it, because he does not feel that miracle is necessary if at the end of the day, its not me he wants to experience the miracle with. I am not a part of the list in many miracles he expect in his life.

I have to admit that I am sad sometimes to even feel how this relationship will not have the 'light at the end of the tunnel", it saddens me to realize that neither of us expect miracle anymore. Not because we are faithless, its simply because one party do not want that particular miracle and the other could not make up her mind whether she need to walk away or to actually stay with someone who loves her now but have no idea about his feeling tomorrow.

This is far away from any relationship I am looking for, but I believe my Father up there, He has a better plan for me. Raja might not be my forever, might not want to ask for a miracle, but somewhere out there there will be a guy who's lucky enough to stay with me forever :) because every girl is a gift God prepared for a guy who actually deserves her companion.

So why do i stay with raja now? i dont know. I honestly dont know. I am happy, unstably happy. Im not looking forward for anything, Im just waiting til God show me a clearer path and believe that He'll lead me to the right way.Because I literally have no idea why I stay. All that im holding on to is a faith that My Boss up there loves me and He loves raja, He has a plan, and i believe in His plan.

I believe one day everything in my life will be perfectly stable, its just a path i need to go through to be more mature, and Boss, i'll face it with Your hands holding mine.
I wuff You Boss, take care of Raja ya (u know i kinda love him too) =)

Raja oh raja

2010-07-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

percakapan ini terjadi 10 mnt setelah pacar pulang dr saturday visit

ME: Macet?
Raja: Depends on whose asking?
If you ask me if the jalan is macet yes
But the jalan to your heart is always jalan tol

*need i comment more?*

pack pack

2010-07-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

halo blog! lagi ujan nih di luar (lagi) dan aku harusnya sudah selesai packing karena jam 1.45 besok brkt ke jakarta buat magang EU. Pergi lagi, packing lagi... bolos kuliah.. lagi.. haha.. Tadi si Raja si ke sini dari jam 12 sampai jam 9 malem.. hehe.. lama ey! tp rasanya bentar (engga juga dink) haha. kita makan, ngobrol, nonton film india (lama bgt nonton filmnya soalnya aku nanya terus maksudnya apa. haha. maaf ya sayang rada bodoh lah.)

Aku seneng tambah deg-degan besok k jakarta.. Nnt di jakarta aku bakal ngekos 2 minggu... jalan kaki ke tempat kerja (kayanya) trus yah kerja.. Aku di EU bagian pers, ga tau lah kerjaan ngapain.. di penjelasan si website observer, facebook, twitter (oh well klo fb and twitter i think i can manage. haha) Takut ey, gmana yah rasanya kerja.. ga kebayang.. kuliah sih gampang seenak jidat aja, tp kerja?? whoa. smoga supervisor aku baik sekali banget banget (permintaannya ga tau diri) tp yg paling penting semoga aku ga malu-malu kucing jadi bisa kerja dengan baik benar dan bertanggungjawab (hmmmm.)

seneng sih.. tp sedih juga.. si Raja kan baru balik minggu lalu, aku juga baru ketemu dia 3 kali.. tapi skg harus pisah lagi 2 minggu.. Harusnya si terbiasa loh, soalnya sering bgt saling ninggalin (lebih sering aku sih yang pergi) tapi yahhh.. kayana bakal tetep kangen... whatever happens happens, but i wish everything will be fine..

ya sudah yah blog, aku packing dulu... sama sekali belum packing ey. besok harus gereja pagi, jam 10 kayanya ga ada harapan deh, bandung macetnya amit-amit skg. berangkat harus sejam lebih cepet. bzzzz.

(btw german-argentina 4-0. udah gtu aja.)

the past.

2010-07-02T00:42:00.000-07:00

brrrr. its so cold today! i love bandung when its cold like this, but i kinda miss bali when its rainy. Bali smells more like rain; the wet soil, the weather suddenly gets cold, driving in my own car. I love driving when its rainy, listening to some songs.. hehe

tomorrow is saturday, there were times in the past that i always bought new dress on Friday and went to the saloon on saturday afternoon for i'll have a diner on the night. A date and then diner. You cant live by the past but i cant deny i miss the past; not the person, maybe just the affection, the feeling special, the saturday night... i miss using make up, blow dry my hair, put up new dress. Its been long since then.

There were few memories from the past that even though we've tried so hard to eliminate, it still lingers. Especially on time like this; when its rainy and there's no body else but me and my i-tunes. Maybe the heart does not really want to forget those pasts that honestly made me so very happy. I miss love and romance, not just love, i miss the romance. Yeah i guess I am a hopeless romantic, I love flowers, I love poems, I love candle light diner, I love sweet text messages, I love sweet wall on facebook, I love surprises, I love it when I enter the car someone said to me "You look so pretty tonight dear", I love it when I go for a date I feel that its a special date. I love them, and today I really really miss them.

a good luck charm :)

2010-06-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

so.. while i was crying this morning due to something, i kinda get this enlightenment maybe, I am a good luck charm! hahah. it sounds narcissistic, but let me justify my argument!

so, its started with my 3-year boyfriend,
when i was with him, he was struggling (i mean REALLY struggling) with money. He's so nice though even though he had no money he tried to gain some just to buy me flowers, regardless the fact that he might not be the most romantic bf ever, but he was really nice. Yeah so he join this Multi Level Marketing business, then when he finally got better at it, we broke up. Last time i chat with him he already got a motorbike, laptop (he bought them with his own money). Congrats you! :)

Then my 2-year boyfriend
when i was with this guy he already got enough money to live his life (haha). Out of the all boyfriends i have ever been with, he's the champion of romance (should have given him an award. haha). There were times when the business was not so good and he sold his phone to get me a gift, and take me to a romantic diner, nice guy really. Then when he was with me he started his new hobby, photography. When he finally got some jobs, we broke up. Now people pay him big deal of money for pre-wedding pictures, he has quite a good job (as far as i know), and last time i check, he will get married soon. Congrats you also! :)

Now, my current boyfriend.
he's kind of busy now with all his works, getting there to be a successful business man. This man is really2 patient and nice.. however, its hard to meet him, i was honestly busy also, so yeah i guess he has to change me as his job and his job as his girlfriend (whereas he meet his job more often than he meets me! hhaha). As we have decided, since we wont be together forever (due to some circumstances), we gonna break up next year September (theres this extension of date) haha. Honestly speaking, i wish i could meet him more often, i mean we will break up soon, spending sometimes will be nice. I was real mad this morning that we cant meet to have a date especially when i will leave to JKT for two weeks this Sunday, but oh well, i cant bug a man and his work! hehe. But i am quite certain by September, he will start seeing the bright light, and when we break up, just like my X, he will get his success, then find his girl. So, good luck you! :)

As we have to see everything from the positive perspective, i think I can be a good luck charm for the people i love. I mean i will help them struggle, by the time they reach the proper place, i leave. hehe. Maybe its kinda sad, but you know, if you help someone, you kinda leave a footprint in their hearts, so i guess i could be a good memory. hehe.

one of my x said to me once that i was the best, he's just find the best out of the leftovers. I was (honestly) happy to hear it, but i also need to object, i dont think he's trying to find the best of the leftovers, he's trying to find the best girl that suit him. I was maybe the best, but not the best for him, and i'm also sure he's not the best for me :)

so yeah no matter how sad it somehow feel that i have to repeat my past helping someone reaching his goal, be at his busy times, 'makan hati' when he's superduper busy, i will be there as a supporter. One day, i am certain that God will send me just the right guy, to be with and to love me, the one who needs me as his good luck charm for the rest of his life.

until then, I will be waiting Big Boss ;)

INDIAAA :)

2010-06-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

halooo blog. harusnya aku blajar nih besok ujian dua, tapi udahlah yah. males. nanti aja. ga mood haha (dasar mahasiswi ga niat)
oh btw aku lg denger lagu india. haha. nice song really judulnya kal ho naa ho (artinya klo aku ga salah, whatever happens tomorrow, or something like dat)
dulu sebelum pacaran sama raja sebenernya aku udah suka film india.. tp karena stereotype film india di indonesia itu lama dan agak norak.. aku malu ngaku lah.. hehe (sungguh tidak berpendirian)
tapi sejak ama raja kan nonton lagi.. ternyata bagus2 loh..
the story line was real good (if its sad, its like SERIOUSLY sad) klo lucu, lucu bgt.. and the songs.. the songs have awesome lyrics (since i like songs from the lyric, jadi it is a pleasure) hehe

sejak pacaran ama raja, i see film india and other indian tradition in a very different view and as i spend more time watching it, i find it really beautiful. Its full of color, the clothes are just mesmerizing, beautiful people, beautiful view (watch 3 idiots yg last part then tell me its not beautiful), i even find the language interesting and adding up cowonya ganteng2 haha (but then cewenya cantik2 bgt so yeah ga ada harapan hahaa)

I realize i was too attached to Western view.. rok mini bagus (emang bagus sih) summer dress bagus (emang bagus juga sih haha) cowo bule ganteng (yah emang ganteng si. haha NAON) but then i forget the world is not only consist of Hollywood. Film indonesia juga mungkin banyak yang bagus ya... tp we dont have that exact trademark to our movie... pada akhirnya film kita komersil semua, jadi aneh, jadi jorok (beneran deh film indonesia yg jorok ga bgt).. jadi meskipun film india itu banyak nari2 nyanyi2 dll, sebenernya istimewanya di sana sih.. kita jadi inget terus... and the story is very heartwarming, meskipun banyak menghayal karena kayanya ga ada orang seromantis romantis cwo di film india, but thats the main point of movie isnt it? it drifts u to the land of dreams. hehe

so thank you boyfriend you have introduced me to the beauty of India, i hope you find Indonesia mesmerizing as well :)

tell me how is this not pretty?

AINT HE JUST FREAKIN CUTE? haha

meant to be...

2010-06-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

there is this thing called 'meant to be'; event, situation, and the most famous one is 'the meant to be' person. i guess everyone was trying to find that particular person whom one day you will call your 'meant to be', the person who is destined for you, the one who will receive your better or worse.
Thinking about 'meant to be' makes me wonder; one day if i really were to meet that person, how will i know he is my 'meant to be'? will the butterflies in my stomach feels different? will the kiss be more than magical? will my heart sing a song? will the doubts in my head vanished? will there still be fear of getting hurt? How do you know a person is your 'meant to be'? how will you have the courage to decide that you'll spend the rest of your life with that person?

up until today i dont know if i have met the man of my future... I do have the fear of this logical thinking, sight of reality that my current man will one day go away.. That is not a sign of meant to be isn't it? If its not then why should we love all these people that will only stay in our life temporarily? Why cant we stop our feeling up until we meet that one permanent lover? Should we be so picky up until we meet that person who assure us that he/she will not just be in our present but also continuously be in our future?

I havent figured out yet an answer to any of the questions above. I might still seek for it, I might just want to wait until the answer raise on its own. Love, after all is a question i have yet able to answer. What is love? what is the definition of true love, should it be everlasting? Or can it be any love, even though it ends unhappily, is indeed our true love? If its up to me, i do wish that one day my true love will hold me tight every single time. Give me faith that never once he would let me go, no matter how i pushed him away. Could that true love be in front of me? Or could him be somewhere out there waiting for the right time to meet me?

One day, if that 'meant to be' person of mine will finally comes to my life, i do hope he could give me answers to all of those questions. Or maybe he doesnt have to, maybe he, him self, when he comes one day will be the unwritten and unspoken answer to all of those questions... maybe one day if he comes all of those questions will just disappear as he hold my hand in his tightly and grant me a goodnight kiss :)

happy sunday!

2010-05-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

today i decided to fully accept, that my life is not merely surrounded by love and all the things included in it. I have so many life goals yet to be achieved. I want to be a career woman, I want to buy my mom and dad a house, I want to have 10 dogs, I want to have a good car, I want to live abroad; I want to live my life to the fullest.

Next Monday i will pay the bill for Unpad registration (yes baby, i got accepted!) I will start my double degree by July/August. And I am certain all things will be hectic by then, but hey, God has granted me that blessing, and I have faith that whatever He gives, He will take care of. He'll give me the ability to finish Unpar and Unpad. I trust Him, and i know He loves me, He will take a good care of me :)

So here i am. Maybe at some points my relationship doesnt sound so lovely, i havent met my forever-ever-after-guy, nevertheless i have an amazing boy who fills my heart with joy everyday and care about me, i have an amazing family who loves me no matter what, supporting circle of friends who laugh and cry with me, i have all the things I need at the moment :)

and, most importantly, i know that no matter what i have a Father who takes care of me and loves me unconditionally. i love You Papa J. i am nothing without You

Happy Sunday everyone,

be blessed

galau

2010-05-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

i am trying to find a song that express what I'm feeling now, but as i scroll down my i-tunes, i cant find any. every songs are for break up or make up or in love. None, really stands for my current condition.

I'm not gonna say anything about my fear, my acknowledgement of love life i have. I am certain that you all are bored to read the same thing over and over again.

I just finished watching The Notebook and insanely crying, at some points now i dont want much. I do not want a guy as romantic as Noah, truth be told guys like that does not exist i guess.

I just wish that somewhere out there, someone could actually say 'I will never leave u' and mean it.

I read this part of a novel, and it struck me somehow:

"I don't want to lose you." His voice almost a whisper.
Seeing his haggard expression, she took his hand and squeezed it, then reluctantly let it go.
She could feel the tears again, and she fought them back. 'But you don't want to keep me, either, do you?"
To that, he had no response.
-Nicholas Sparks-The Rescue

some love

2010-05-15T05:40:00.000-07:00

I want a little of something more

Dont want the middle or the one before

I don't desire a complicated past

I want a love that will last

Sat that you love me, say Im the one

Don't kiss and hug me, and then try to run

I dont do drama, my tears dont fall fast

I want a love that will last

I dont want just a memory, give me forever

Don't even think about saying goodbye

Cuz I just want one love to be enough

And remain in my heart till i die

So..

Call me romantic, i guess that is so

Theres something more that you oughta know

No Ill never leave you, so dont even ask

I want a love that will last...Forever

I want a love that will last

I dont want just a memory, give me forever

Don't even think about saying goodbye

Cuz I just want one love to be enough

And remain in my heart till i die

So..

Theres just a little, more that i need

I wanna share all, the air that you'll breathe

Im not the kind of girl to complicate the past

I want a love that will last..forever

I want a love that will last...always

I want a love that will last

is this too much to ask?

twenty.

2010-05-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

now playing: sailed on- Landon Pigg

in five days i'll be 20. a new chapter of life, older and (hopefully) more mature...

Everything kind of changes in this coming year, I have my own savings after winning EUIDC (quite a lot, thank God), I've joined lots of organizations, have more friends, more active at college.. my ambitions in a way run smoothly.. I hope everything goes well according to all the plans and goals I have (amen)

But then the development doesnt really run as smooth in the love department. Like a donkey who doesnt learn from a mistake and fall to the same hole more than once, I also fall in the same hole more than once. My man now is amazing, nice, patient. But the problem is merely the same (maybe even worse now); 'unreconciled differences'. Am i not thankful that i have such an amazing lover? no. But do i somehow wish forever ever after?yes.

I know at the end of the day this all will end up the way it has ended up once. I do realize how stupid I am. I know for a fact that there's no word 'forever' in this. I know all the bad probabilities that Im supposed to know.

I guess age does not teach you that much, because I am now still a fool in love. However, it does change me a bit, for now i realize there's no forever, and i dont expect this to end in forever too.

I accept the fact that one day I'll cry,

I accept the fact that one day I have to walk away,

I accept the fact that one day I have to let go the one who I hold near to my heart,

Good bye is no more a stranger. I welcome it one day if it comes my way

One day, i know it will.

playlist #2

2010-05-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

current song addiction:

Landon Pigg- Sailed On

Please don't do what I say.

Cause if you don't love me it's worthless anyway.

Please don't trouble yourself
You'll only go away in the end.

Please don’t follow all my commands

Cause what’s the point in that

I keep hoping that all of your plans

Will fall through the roof

Like two ships passing in the night
We're gone
Only the moon and the stars in the sky
Did know to cry for me as I sailed on.

Please don’t trouble yourself

I only want your love

You keep giving me your help

Oh please stop playing along
You know you’re wasting your energy

And you’re breaking my heart

Like two ships passing in the night

We're gone

Only the moon and the stars in the sky

Did know, to cry for me as I sailed on.

Oh I can just see it now
You’re reckless and in love
Your heart's pouring over

Oh I can just see it now

You’re coming around

Like two ships passing in the night

We’re gone

Only the moon and the stars in the sky

Did know to cry for me as I sailed on

this song is one of my daily favorite song. As an absolute melancholic person,

sometimes i think all my song choices frustrate me. lol

sealed

2010-05-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

i seal you here deep inside my heart

though i know for us maybe tomorrow shall never come

you're a best friend and a lover

i always find you near when i need comfort

you're my grey zone

through all the uncertainties of life, you're my favorite

this poem doesnt rhyme

and so does our story

at some points you and me will be history

a beautiful kind of memory

goodnight my lover and bestfriend

if tomorrow you shall wake up and realize

that life would be much better without me

you may leave as you pleased

i seal you here deep inside my heart

though i know for us maybe tomorrow shall never come

didnt i tell you im gonna be on the paper??

2010-05-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

"i'll rock the world and i promise you,

u'll see me on the paper

u'll remember me as the girl who used to be with u,

but is better off on her own"

i wrote this poem months ago. thank You God, You never let me down.

mellow mellow mellow

2010-05-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

*currently playing: You've Got a Way-Shania Twain

hey prince charming, where are you?
are you there in the corner of the world so far away that i cant see you now?
or are you actually so near but i cant feel you yet?
Can you come and promise me forever? Hold me and promise to never let go?
I've met numbers of prince in my life
But none can promise me to never leave
and it hurts to realize that any love I love now, will somehow go away from me.
Where r u? Cant you come sooner? don't you think the right time is now?
Hey prince charming one day if you come
please let me feel how it feels to be loved forever
to dance under the rain
to see stars up on the hills
to never fear of letting go
I'll wait for you, I do not need you to ride on your horse or using all ur armors
I've seen them all enough
Just hold me tight and say you'll be with me through best and worst

2010-05-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

please, its hectic enough.

playlist 1

2010-05-02T02:55:00.000-07:00

Current addictive song:
TOMPI-Tak Pernah Setengah Hati
(one out of not-so-many indonesian songs that i like.)

"Tak pernah setengah hati
Ku mencintaimuku memiliki dirimu
Setulus-tulusnya jiwa
Ku serahkan semua hanya untukmu
Tak pernah aku niati untuk melukaimu
Atau meninggalkan dirimu
Sesal ku selalu bila tak sengaja
Aku buat kau menangis

Memiliki mencintai dirimu kasihku
Tak akan pernah membuat diriku menyesal
Sungguh matiku
Hidupku 'kan selalu membutuhkan kamu"

I listen this song while day-dreaming. A good afternoon after all . Good job Tompie! :)

this too shall pass :)

2010-05-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

hey girlfriends wherever you are!!

some of you might currently feeling what i was feeling 7 months ago; broken hearted. And thats okay, everyone felt that; its not a tragedy, u're not supposed to be embarrassed by that. It happens people, so cry your eyes out, pray day and night, scream if you want to, curse, swears if it somehow makes you better, do what you want its okay, thats how life is.
Honestly speaking when I got my heart broken, i cried every single night, i went to college looking like an ugly monster, i sleep hugging bible so i feel save, i pray all night telling God to bring my ex back to my arms (yeah i was that desperate. haha). It was indeed an ugly experience, but now Im doing just fine.

Im not gonna lecture you of how to move on, how to forget, how to take revenge ( if you want to.lol) you all have your own way to do that, i just want to stay few words based on experience..
When your heart got broken and it feels like the end of the world, dont worry, that too shall end. Everyone has their ability to survive, every heart has their ability to be healed, it will. So dont worry.

I was judged to move on fast because i have a new boyfriend, but thats not true dearest, you can have a new boyfriend, but if the heart hasn't healed yet, you'll just feel as shitty as before. So I know for sure, that I moved on not because my new guy, its because i decided to move on, to realize that out there beautiful things are still plenty, to acknowledge that the world is not only populated with one guy, it has lots of beauty we need to be thankful at that.

So girlfriends, one day if you've had enough crying (which im sure you will); start to seek the beauty. Do all the things that you think you cant do (but stay away from drugs and suicide attempts. hehe), dress your self up beautifully, go to saloon, mask your hair, scrub your body, listen to moving on songs, laugh just laugh until it hurts! As that goes by, you will realize just how strong you are and how surprising it is
that u finally move on!

We will survive, as cliche as it sounds, its the truth. We all have the ability to survive from the worst and to love again :)
So now just cry but remember when you have snapped back to reality and realize that its time to move on; wipe those tears away, delete all those sad songs, throw all those pictures u had with your ex lovers, take off your ex-lover sweater and t-shirt from your beautiful body, and LIVE again. LAUGH again. FEEL again. LOVE again.

Have your me-time now, if I the most melancholic person in this world can move on as well as I am now, then Im sure you all can!
Godspeed :)

dream big

2010-04-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

i am going to buy my mum and dad a house
i am going to have a house by the beach and have a swimming pool
i am going to be married in a church with the guy who deserves me and loves me
the wedding reception is going to take place on the beach
i am going to live abroad
i am going to be a career woman and be able to buy branded items
i am going to feel what its like to have a white christmas
i am going to build an orphanage and a dog's sanctuary
i am going to have a lot of dogs
i am going to fulfill everything i've written above.

cant achieve them merely based on my abilities and power, but I have the almighty God, and He can and will help me to do anything that He knows are best for me.

2010-04-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

one day i must go from you. Goodbyes are never easy, but you will survive and so will I

-abigail sutika, realizing reality-

just so you know

2010-04-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

maybe you're not the most romantic person in the world

but you're the first guy who actually danced with me,

the first guy who actually took that dream of mine seriously

maybe you cant be there every saturdays or weekends

but u always come when i need you, took the distance, and made the impossible; possible

maybe u talk and joke so much that it irritates people

but they dont know that u always listen to me when i told the worst non sense

and you never close your ears when i tale you boring stories of my day

maybe u dont know any songs that i know and i sing along
probably u dont even know where you put the cd i gave to u

however you always let me control the radio,
never once you force me to hear the songs that i dont like

i know for sure u fall asleep when i watched movie that made me cry

nevertheless ur arms continuously holding mine until the movie ends

it is annoying when i open your phone and saw numbers of messages from girls,

it makes me more upset that you replied them

but what can i say? maybe you're just too lovable. and you love to love others.

i just hope that somewhere in your heart, i belong somewhere special

maybe people see you as a day dreamer

but in my eyes u're the most determined, strong, and willing to learn person

and im proud of u

u dont have to care about what they say, they simply dont know you as much as i do..

and maybe, we will not have a happy ending.

you're not gonna be with me in the end neither will I

but just so you know

one reason why i am so thankful for my present, is because i have you.

and i care for you,

today or next year

i love you dear :)

thank You papa J

2010-04-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

"seems like I always fall short

of bein worthy

Cuz I aint good enough

but he still loves me

I aint no superstar

The spotlight aint shinin on me

cuz I aint good enough

but he still loves me"

Loves me its been a while that when i have problems i kinda reminded of my ex boyfriend.. i dont know why.. sometimes i remember he used to do this, that, never treated me this way,that way...

today i realize i was wrong..

even hough he used to be very nice, he did hurt me in a lot of ways too. no, not that i want to keep grudge or anything, its just it finally get to my senses that if i were hurt and i keep on holding on to the shadow of the love we used to share its just simply the weakest grip i could hang on to. it'll make me feel worse. make me less thankful. in fact, if the relationship i used to share with him is indeed THAT strong, it would not end. I realize that my old rltshp always become my comfort zone, my sweet memories.. relieved me, but makes me keep living in the past...

Now just in a sudden i thank God that He has reminded me that the only One i could hang on to when i have problem is Him, PAPA J.

He always listen to all my stupid prayer

He who never be mad at me though i become the naughtiest person ever

He who always comforts me

He who never looks just how the surface is, He always look to the deepest part of mine, trying His best and have faith that deep inside there's something good in me..

For a while i have forgotten Him.. all my life schedules, my meetings, dates, etc..

i forgot that my soul indeed is in dire need of a hug from Him..

If there's anyone in my life who never ever hurt me ever. The one who loves me unconditionally and ask nothing in return, its Him.

He's my bestfriend, my rock, my shelter, my Father

at the end of the day, He will always be the one i'm running to

and i know His arms will never get tired to catch me back after i fall down.

I love You Lord, sorry for being this naughty person

thank you for loving me so much. thank you :')

2010-04-26T06:42:00.001-07:00

someday.

someday.

2010-04-26T06:34:00.000-07:00

hey blog,
i've been longing to write this blog since yesterday, but was too lazy so, i guess now is the time to tell u what i was thinking yesterday at church..i'll make it short, i promise ;)

so, yesterday I went to church with ghe as usual.. as usual also i saw a lot of couples went to church.. and as usual i was envious.. jealous.. a lot.. was a sin to be jealous at church (or anywhere), but cant deny that i was indeed..

well its not that i never go to church with my boyfriend.. i did.. but to go to church with a boyfriend who is a christian; who can pray along with me, who can sing along with me.. well, its a never (hopefully not-yet) case.. and to be honest i pray everyday to have that pleasure.. yesterday i cried at church, praying to God to bless me with one out of many guys out there who could pray together with me, that'll be lovely :)

i respect differences; in culture or religion, or anything. But one day i so hope i would get married in church. I want to have a husband who has the same view with me on this significant matter. He's out there somewhere i know, i know God will grant me a guy who loves Him and loves me too..
I'll meet that person. someday.
amen.

MLM

2010-04-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

(this blog is an honest blog; honest feeling, honest view)

Multi Level Marketing (MLM), i bet a lot of people (maybe almost all of those who happens to have friends) know the notion of MLM. I know MLM quite well; the fact that i live in a large circle of friends and i happened to have 2 ex boy friends who work well in MLM makes MLM sounds familiar to me. My mum tried MLM, but it did not work well (its just because she's lazy, no other than that haha)

My current boyfriend is now also in MLM business. I support him whole heartedly, why shouldn't I? the business offers promises and the promises are indeed true (i happen to know some people who are success in this business, so i know its not a lie). Nevertheless, since I am being honest here, I kind of hate (i dont know how to put it in a softer way) the notion of the closest person in my life currently to be in a business like this. Nope, not because i dont have faith that he might reach the goals, the dreams; its just i hate that i must see him get rejected, go to one place to another place promoting the business, its just doesnt click to me. I somehow believe he could be more, much more than that.

I dont know.. seeing my boyfriend now, I picture him sitting in an office, using tie and everything, maybe even work 12 hours in a day.. It might doesnt give him income as big as MLM one day, but deep inside i kind of think he suits office more.. I visualize him as a man who work in big cooperate buildings, not because I am materialistic, but because I know he can do that. He deserves that. He doesnt have to face all the rejections, all the bad stigma from people, he could get a safe job. Maybe he could do MLM, but just as a side job.

Maybe I happen to be like this because I also visualize my self to be a woman who work in a big office; a typical career oriented woman, high heels, suit, etc. and i want a man who will do the same thing as me.. who have the same interest as me.. and as i age up my hope of having this kind of bf is somehow increase.. I know im still at college, barely 20 this year nevertheless my interest of older man, especially 'esmod' as u call it, make me see guys whom the future has clearly carved, the goals has clearly set as my future partner in life. And honestly Raja suits that picture, its just he doesn't choose to be so. He, i believe, has his own path and it unfortunately contradicts my picture of ideal man...

I do care about my boyfriend, and i want nothing but the best for him, i did talk about this to him some couple of times.. but he's so smart that it always make sense whatever his reason is in choosing MLM as his #1 priority of working. I will always support him because i know whatever he do it'll turn out to be great; he works hard at it..I just hope that it'll all be worth it for him. I want him to be happy, I so want one day his family to see him as a success man. I dont mind about me, I just dont want him disappointed.

i kinda see him working this way..

last minute

2010-04-22T07:05:00.001-07:00

hello blog..

gila aku lagi males pake bahasa inggris aku nge-indo aja yah.. walah walah naon nge-indo.. haha

sebenrnya aku harus bikin tugas HITT... tap yah seperti biasa dimana ga ada niat disitu ga ada kemauan.. dan yah emang aku lg ga niat and ga mau.. jadi yah begini. ketidakproduktifitasanku dibuktikan dengan menulis blog yang essensinya jauh dari penting (jiaaaah, bahasa gw aja jadi sok penulis)

oh btw, HITT aku ngerjain "peace building in Iraq" sebenernya aku bisa bilang dibandingin temen2 yang harus ke perpus cari buku dll, i am quite lucky.. i have the resources.. (read: the book) jadi ga usah beli2 lagi atau pinjam2 lagi...sebenernya aku bisa selesaii ini tugas dari kapan tau..emang sih ada kerjaan lain, aku bukannya nganggur all the time.. but most of my weekends i am quite free.. seharusnya uda beres..

dari dulu aku selalu (baca SELALU- pake capital, klo perlu nnt aku BOLD) membuat sesuatu di saat terakhir di mana semua orang rata-rata udah beres atau kerjaannya udah beratus ratus kata. jujur dari lubuk hati yang paling dalam i am not proud of my self regarding that issue. my new year resolution ALWAYS include "never do things on the deadline", and its always a failure. aku ga tau, tapi ada orang (dan aku cukup yakin orang2 ini agak sama habitnya dengan aku) yang bilang bahwa "some people works best under pressure" dan itu emang bener sih kalo di akunya. selalu, selalu, dan selalu hasil terbaik yang aku peroleh itu adalah yang aku buat menit menit terakhir saat hidup aku udah diujung tanduk (naon deui) haha. aku bisa ngerjain paper selesai dalam wkt 3 jam.. tp itu harus di deadline.. hasilnya? quite satisfying. (well, mungkin aku emang type orang yg cepet puas jadi ngeliat paper aku bagus2 aja.. but seriously, its not as if its THAT bad...)

sebenernya sumpah deh ga mau kaya gni.. beban berat.. capenya bener2 cape... i am not inspired of my self and the way i manage my time.. i want to be like those people yang ngerjain segala sesuatu saat2 lagi ga ada kerjaan gt..

selama ini i get by my bad habit just fine.. its just aku ga tau sampai kapan... apalagi ada rencana mau ambil unpad... klo gni critanya aku bisa mati muda..nilai aku bisa keteteran.. dan aku ga suka.. ga mau... nonono

blog ini sangat tidak menginspirasi, tapi i do hope that if there's someone out there whom read this and said "she's just like me" well, i do hope those people are luckier than me and able to change their bad habit A.S.A.P. i am trying here.. hopefully it'll work out one day...

bye blog, aku buat tugas dulu ya (seharusnya sih daritadi buat tugas.LOL)

a late conversation with an x boyfriend

2010-04-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

Ary: well you never know bi

Abby: Never know never happens ry

Ary: cant say that, its just u simply never know. nothing is impossible

Abby: no ary. never know only means a thing. it will never happen.

with this conversation i realized how much i have changed compared to two years a go.

the heart, my heart, has changed a lot.

kebodohan ghe

2010-04-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

ABI,MITRI: *berteriak lebay ketakutan nonton film horror*

GHE: "Tuhan Yesus.. berkatilah supaya orang-orang di film ini ga mati Tuhan"

ABI: "Ghe, kamu ngapaiin ngedoain film????"

GHE: *tertawa malu sendiri*

labilmalammalam

2010-04-18T10:36:00.000-07:00

"why make it strong to break it once again?"

im currently listening Will Young's leave right now. that particular lyric i wrote above manage to suits my condition perfectly. I sort of have the fear to fall in love lately, its been quite long. I somehow always hesitate my self from falling. Some says u cant hold ur self from falling in love, well some people are wrong. cause i sort if did it, maybe still do a bit. and yes, it works.

There are some reasons why i am afraid to fall in love as deep as i was before..
one is because i dont want to be the in love girl the way i was, turn into possessive being that i was, then made the one i love simply fed up of me and my disability of holding my love.. i still can remember vividly how it happened, and i do not want to go through that road again..
one is because i simply do not want to get hurt.. I am much into protecting my self, that i do not want to, by any chance, hurt it. not anymore, its not justifiable.

no matter how, i know for certain i miss being in love., i simply miss being madly in love. because there's nothing that could beat that feeling.. being in love is the best thing that could happen to you, if only it doesnt hurt.. if only all love last.. but i doesn't.. sometimes no matter how deep you love someone, fate will cruelly set u apart..

so here i am all afraid, all in fear of being in love.
Raja is one amazing man.. he deserves to be loved..
there's just one thing that pull me away every time i want to love as deep as i could.. my fear is just simply too big, it doesnt allow me to give him my heart.., my ego, my selfishness has consumed me..
i really really wish one day i could come out from that fear, love unconditionally. fearlessly in love...

i protect me from being hurt but at the same time i am also digging a even bigger hole in my chest...
i am no more my self.. i miss me..

2010-04-02T08:45:00.001-07:00

this is exactly why, abigail, you shall not fall in love.

a short beginning of my friday

2010-04-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

currently listening to -pete doherty: this is for lovers

This song makes me want to run away somewhere.. haha... but seriously, if i could i just want to grab my lover's arm and run away somewhere.. leave all the things i have.. then have an adventure.. truth be told its holiday so yeah, the urge comes even bigger...
I wish i lived abroad where the road are all clean and this is winter.. then we could go somewhere sit by the lake joke around.. just have a little adventure... one day in my relationship, i wish i have that spontaneous man who would suddenly kidnap me, then take me to the most beautiful place he knew.. spend the whole day and forget the world! just for one day :)

Oh Happy Good Friday anyway!! Time to give thanks to Lord JC for His sacrifice to wash away our sins. Love You Daddy!

i miss you all :(

2010-03-31T09:15:00.000-07:00

Sahabat Sejatiku

Hilangkah Dari Ingatanmu

Di Hari Kita Saling Berbagi

Dengan Kotak Sejuta Mimpi

Aku Datang Menghampirimu

Kuperlihat Semua Hartaku

Kita S'lalu Berpendapat

Kita Ini Yang Terhebat

Kesombongan Di Masa Muda Yang Indah

Aku Raja Kaupun Raja

Aku Hitam Kaupun Hitam

Arti Teman Lebih Dari Sekedar Materi

Pegang Pundakku, Jangan Pernah Lepaskan

Bila Ku Mulai Lelah

Lelah Dan Tak Bersinar

Remas Sayapku, Jangan Pernah Lepaskan

Bila Ku Ingin Terbang

Terbang Meninggalkanmu

Ku S'lalu Membanggakanmu

Kaupun S'lalu Menyanjungku

Aku Dan Kamu Darah Abadi

Demi Bermain Bersama

Kita Duakan Segalanya

Merdeka Kita, Kita Merdeka

Tak Pernah Kita Pikirkan

Ujung Perjalanan Ini

Tak Usah Kita Pikirkan

Akhir Perjalanan Ini

sampai jumpa kawanku, smoga kita selalu

menjadi sebuah kisah klasik

untuk masa depan :'(

I MISS YOU GUYS

a simple little kind of free.

2010-03-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

hey blogog! how are you? (i know you're fine, u dont have to answer. haha. there's no point of asking huh?)

I just went back from Jakarta last nite, Ka Daling is getting married this April 10th and i HAVE and MUST lose some KGs since i am the maid of honor (clap of hands please thank you) i reject the notion of being a fat ugly monstrous gigantic type of bridesmaid!!! OBJECTION YOUR HONOR!!

And in this May 8th my brother is also getting married and its even worse if i were to still be fat at his marriage! no hackin' way! I am going to meet all the family members possible that day and i do not want to hear "Abii, kok tambah gendutt??" Those words activate suicidal mood and i am too young to die.

btw, im just done wrapping up things-i-have-to-do and i managed to finished up 12 pieces of post it and now they are sticked on the most visible place (in order for me not to forget them)
FYI the lists consist 6 tasks that have close deadlines, yeah im doomed soon (i do enjoy being busy and all that but then again those things make you grasping for air).
Its holiday on Thursday but i guess i'll try my best to do whatever i can do before the deadline (GOD have mercy on this lazy soul of mine! i have to finish them up ASAP)

Aside those deadlines and etc, i need you blogog to know that my life soundtrack currently is John Mayer-perfectly lonely.
I guess this song is dedicated for those single people out there, and truth be told i am not single. However for one reason and another this is not the stereotype kind of relationship. Some might say its not a healthy relationship whatsoever but it brings its own advantage though; sometimes i still feel single somehow.
No written rules for me nor i give him rules, i know the limitation, and based upon lesson learnt from previous relationships i know i shall not limit my bf on any grounds. Im not a crazy-jealous-lady i was, i am enjoying relationship as a part of my daily life, as a good feeling of care and be cared about, but his life is his, mine is absolutely mine :)

So Dearly Mr Mayer, with a great honor i would announce that me, abigail, still can take some lyric from your song as everyday anthem :

Nothing to do

No where to be

a simple little kind of free

Nothing to do

No one But me

That's all I need

Im perfectly lonely

Yeah

Cause I dont belong to anyone

Nobody belongs to me

Ahh.. life and all its beauty never fail to mesmerize me! must i say this is, overall, the busiest days of mine. Picture this: 12 deadlines before the month of May, meeting here and there, papers, scholarship hunting, student exchange seeking, TOEFL, plan of taking double degree, debate competition, and to add up the list the 2 weddings that require me to go back and forth BDG-JKT-BALI-BDG (by the time i go back to Bandung i suspect that the final exam days is starting). Crazy but whole heartedly enjoyable!

my life continuously makes me ecstatic; thank You Lord Jesus, You bless me more than i deserve :)

2010-03-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

TODAY SUCK.
and the thing that makes it sucker is that i cant contain my anger. dammit

2010-03-26T05:17:00.000-07:00

my wedding song ( i just decided )

2010-03-24T19:55:00.001-07:00

TOO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!

DREAM DATES =]

2010-03-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

hey blogog!!! i am currently watching UP (again). I am so in love with this cartoon, especially the Russel kid. he's such a cute kid, if he were anywhere near me i wonder how many times will I pinch thos cute chubby cheeks oh his!! sorry Russel, you're just too adorable!

Anyhow, at the beginning of this cartoon there's a scene where Mr Carl Fredricksen was having a date with his wife Ellie, they're just laying down saw clouds while having a little picnic on their own.. Its so sweet and is actually one of my dream date.

In this blog i would like to share a bit of my dream dates, those dates i am still wishing to experience with someone i love one day:

1. A date in the meadow

i am so in love with the beauty of yellow meadow, and what i want in my dream date is just to sit in the meadow all day, maybe play around a little bit, then eat some food brought from house. Seeing clouds, talk all day, just me and my partner. That'd be lovely

2. A date while it snows

i LOVE snow. I love to see the white snow and walk while the chills run through my bones (again with the exaggeration! lol)
Its been a life time dream to have a date using coat,scarf,walk along the side walks or parks holding hands enjoying the view of snow. The thought of hugging while the weather gets cold also makes this date so tempting. I hope one day it'd come true :)

3. A date on top of a building

not just an usual building's top, i really want to have a date on top of a building with view of the city at night! all the colorful lights and the arty buildings i am so in love with. I adore big city at nights, and it would be awesome if one day i could see the whole city lights from top of a building with my beloved, stars will be sort of bonus! But i doubt i could do it in Indonesia... I mean if i do it in Jakarta i guess i'll go home with the smell of pollution, to add up there's no star i jkt.lol. So yeah, maybe i shall wait 'til i go somewhere abroad (New York maybe?), perhaps its possible in Indonesia, my lover one day could try to surprise me and take me somewhere. hopefully :)

4. A date under the rain

maybe its not basically that includes eating and stuffs (the food will get wet in case u did not notice, lol).
i prefer it to be a date where i could dance, play around, and laugh under the rain. The carefree feeling shared together with boyfriend under the rain must be amazing. I really wish to try this once in a while, maybe in quite private place where no (or maybe only a few) people could see, open the car's window, listen to the song 'dancing in the moonlight' then just dance. AWW the perfection of it all!! :)

5. A date in Central Park

I am awed at how beautiful Central Park in real life really is when i went to the US. Since then i always want to take my boyfriend there and do whatever possible; say holding hands, strolling, ice skating in winter, a date by the lake, picnic, or whatever form of dating it is. I just adore central park and i want to be there with my significant other whom i am sure i adore as much :)

6. A date on the hill

i believe the picture visualized my reasons of choosing up hills to have a date at. The view at night, the starry sky must be very romantic! if i could at up, i would bring a small cd player, listen to romantic songs, dance (again) with my couple and when we're tired we could just count the stars!! Oh God, Im so into romance!

7. A cooking date!

I found cooking as one of my biggest hobby; trying new recipes, crunch my face if it tasted like garbage, or smiling in satisfaction if it taste heavenly!! To share those personal favorite moments with my man must be a delight! Im so looking forward for this! :)

I think I'm going to stop at the number 7 dream date

(just because 7 is my favorite number.lol).

Some people says i love malls, cinemas, shopping and my love life revolve around those things only. Well, i do admit i enjoy malls and cinemas but then again if those dreams above act as a reflection i figure that my dream dates don't really require lots of money (beside the central park date off course-because that means i have to go to US) they rather reflect the value of intimacy and romance i want to spend ONLY with my beloved.

I've had several amazing dates in my life, i am thankful for them, nevertheless in my heart deep inside i hope someday a man i dearly love and loved me in return consider to surprise me somehow and ask me out for a dream date. :)

I AM FAT!!!!!!!

2010-03-23T01:05:00.000-07:00

i WAS FAT! yes to admit i was a fat assed girl who you could mistakenly see as a pig or gorilla! i always thought i WAS, now i think i'm back to become I AM FAT
Fat was not a problem when i was little, at junior high school however i had a crush on someone. A crush so much hurting that I blame my weight; i assume maybe that particular guy did not like me because of my fat body.

So i had fear of eating and everything and i lost KGs of my weight. I was so happy! but then again once u fear being fat, u tried your best to maintain your weight, and i did too. Bulimia took control and I remember not once have i eaten without throwing up after it, i was not healthy, but i was thin! and boys stormed in, i enjoyed the whole flirt scene! (who doesnt anyway?)

But as i became happier (and a bit more sick) i started to eat the way normal people do. i ate rice again, meat again, and ate chocolate again. so i grow back fat, but it did not matter because my weight was not that drastically change. it was tolerable

Now, a.k.a the present, is a different story. I keep on growing here and there and i started to think I will be as fat as i was before. The thought literally kills me. Well, i lost weight here and there, usually when i got my heart broken i'll lose weight. But now I am happy! and my weight increases rapidly that i become paranoid.

Its not healthy to fear what u eat isnt it? but i do fear eating! i do fear the mirror! i see my self as a reflection of all the ugliness in the world! problem is, i know that its wrong, that i must do sports and everything to curb the weight yet i hate sport.

I am afraid that if this continuously happening i will start become bulimic again. The activity i have in college now will not allow me to have eating disorder, i might die (creepy but its possible if i had eating disorder as bad as before) nevertheless i don't want to feel ugly every-time i tried to put clothes on!
I need to get thin! Whatever the way is.

i fear my self, because i know i could do anything to achieve this.
I.need.help!

i used to be like this :(

i miss NYC! :(

2010-03-22T04:03:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK I MISS YOU!!

i am going to be there again, wait for me okay :)

future

2010-03-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

hey blogog! its almost 2 am here. supposedly im asleep already but since i took the POWER NAP today at Ghe's place, my eyes are not cooperative enough to shut down just yet, so i figure lets just spend this time of mine typing all over u! haha.
Inspired by my friend's blog (cantika.tumblr.com ---> go visit this blog, its entertaining ^^ ) i want to somehow write my expected future. I am always a fan of imagining what future holds for me, i believe Im one out of the thousands on this earth who constantly hope for a betterment in their future life.
Must I say, my goals dreams and expectations in life are more or less the same as maybe half (or more) girls in this world; i wanna be rich, married to a competent guy (read: kind-hearted, wealthy, good looking guy.lol), and i wanna have a happy family. Just every girl's dreams i know, but i'm looking forward to see mine come true (hopefully amen)
I am always confused as to how my future would be, now that I am 20 i always think I only have 7 years (8 at the most) to make all my dreams come true as a single unmarried woman. I wanna work in some company and climb up the ladder of success. Though i fear the tension at work place, but Im open to new challenges! haha.
My dream jobs are (yes its with -s and its plural) diplomat or lawyer or fashion editor at a magazine. I notice that the last choice of job is in total difference with the previous two so i kind of plan that the fashion editor job will be taken after i got married. hahaha. Im a big dreamer. Career right now tempts me the most, i acknowledge that my self is one very romantic-theatrical type of person, seriously, judge from my blog and you'll see how i adore romance. Nevertheless I also want to be a success powerful woman also! i will chase my dreams; not only for the sake of my happiness, its also for the sake of my parents. I want to buy them a house and let them feel a white christmas once. One person said to me that these goals of mine will not be possible to reach if I want tp pursue my career as lawyer or diplomat or fashion editor, and one day I will proof that person WRONG. That particular person might underestimate me and the capacity of my job in terms of giving me money, but i believe with all my heart that God will surely help me. No need to worry, Im sure God loves my parents, and He will make them happy at their old age through me as long as I try. So watch out and see me conquer the world hey you! You'll read my name in the news paper and I'll tell you how New York is, how dating in central park feels like (amen) hehe.
Oh future.. i really dont know what wuld happen in my future or who would i be with to spend my old days, however i am excited to live my life and see where it will take me one day. I wanna live in NY, build my dad and mum a big house in Bali, I wanna be able to use beautiful suit at work, I want to have collection of branded bags and shoes, i want my kids to be handsome and beautiful, i want to have more friends, i want to feel white christmas, and most of all i want to make people whom loved me and i love happy! Everyday i believe im a step closer to these goals of mine, May God bless them !!

a long post to end a not-so-long day.

2010-03-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

Assumption rises from possibility, for today's post lets make an assumption that one ask to me:
"why isn't what you got in palm of your hand enough?"
"why so cruel, why selfish in regards to a relationship?"
In reality I know somewhere out there one particular person (or maybe more) made this assumption to reality, its not important who he/she is. But you should be sure that with my full conscience i do understand why such questions arise

With my writings below, i am not trying to find justification for my own sake however i believe that its not a mistake to answer such questions with reasoning. As what famously stated' there's always two sides on every coin', so let me answer it from my side of coin. Will it be the tail or the head doesn't matter, its yours to go figure.

In term of what I'm currently experiencing with a particular man, or to paraphrase it in simpler language in term of 'relationship' that I'm currently in, i must say undoubtedly that I'm more or less not my self anymore. Yes, i expect more. Yes, I'm cold. Yes, i seem careless. And yes if i must put it in extreme analogy my heart is as close as it is to turn into stone.

To borrow memories from few years ago, as a girl I'm quite lucky (or cursed- you decide) to have experienced some numbers of relationships til this very age of 20. Inevitably most people would say to me that those kind of relationships were under the foundation of 'puppy love', its nothing but acceptable since what kind of feeling can a girl aged 17 feel because of love? judge as you pleased, but as a -teen girl i knew how it felt to somehow being stabbed on your heart. i knew whats i felt was the consuming kind of hurt that still remain n matter how hard i cried. what i felt was such a pain so severe everytime memories of that one particular person come in mind. what i felt was the urge to run away, to hide, to sleep as long as i could so i dont have to feel the hole in my chest. If those explanation above elaborated enough how a broken heart felt then yes, my heart have been broken. Not once; more. And neither of them felt better than the previous ones. As much as i loved those people who've entered my life i guess thats also as much as how they make me hurt. But never mind, they're forgiven, i hope i am too.

Astonishingly, with hurt came lessons, and here I am educated enough to decide not to fall as hard as i was before. Some says I'm cold, unthankful, and expects exceeding the reality. Nevertheless, i still believe up until now that i have the ultimate right to have higher expectations.

Wise men say 'only donkey fell to the same trap more than once', hardly i must admit i think i am stupider than a donkey. And so to save my face from being equalized to a donkey i decided to learn; learn to take care of my heart better than before.

Some again possibly question me:
"what do you offer to a guy whom you have such big expectations from?"
well, let make it clear what i am offering here is my heart. This heart of mine might not be as well shaped as what common picture would visualize a heart, there might be some bandage here and there if its feasible to be seen, nonetheless i promise i would give 100% of its capacity in loving if the guy treat me right.

I know, i know nobody's perfect, neither am I. I don't expect anything ridiculous from anyone, i just expect at least a betterment from what i had. I confidently state that i don't need additional bandage on my heart, u don't have to give me therapy of mending a broken heart, my heart would mend on its own. I just need you to acknowledge that i don't want it to get worse.

As to love equals to hurt, i also agree on this fact. But if the fight is worthy of it then maybe i'll consider it fine. If its worthy then hurt would merely feel as a sucky-yucky feeling. Yeah, it hurts however its tolerable. What i meant as worthy of fight is a relationship that makes me happy longer than the first 3 months of the relationship. The relationship that gives me HOPE. Even the bible agreed that we shall live for today, and not worrying about the future, without any means to make my own judgement of what bible said, i am certain that the only thing that can keep you from fearing tomorrow is hope. Hope that makes me believe that the guy I am with will help me cherish my present and will be there to hold my hands in my tomorrows. Hope that strengthen me and assure me how everything worths the fight.

Its a long post, and here I am in this post trying to make you enter this crazy brain of mine. Point your finger to me as you pleased, be cynical to me as you pleased, yet i truly believe whatever I am doing or becoming now merely for the sake of me protecting my self.
At the end of the day when the love leaves, God and your self is your own best friend. As how i know all of you will protect your best friend with all your mights, i am also doing the same thing to my self. It doesn't take a genius to understand this---
oh well, one could only hope.

WHY ABIGAIL SHOULD BE HAPPY WHEN LIFE IS B.O.R.I.N.G

2010-03-19T02:30:00.000-07:00

hey blogog!!

im supposedly taking a bath now! nyanyanya.. too lazy to take a bath now.. haha..

oh btw, i am honestly bored today. its the end of mid test today! yes, a celebration should be held!! haha. but nah, im not goin anywhere today (or at least until now. lala)

while i was bored just now, i was trying to think what can actually be the reason for me to be happy today, so here's the list of:

WHY ABIGAIL SHOULD BE HAPPY WHEN LIFE IS B.O.R.I.N.G

1. i can sleep! haha. sleep makes me happy! seriously, i was sleep deprived this UTS week. And in relation to that lack of sleep, this boring day can be a day where i could make friend with my beloved bed. ahaha. so i took a nap today, a rather pleasant one! and when i woke up, i feel the world is soo beautiful (ahahhaa. i know i know its way too over exaggerating)

2. i can read the unread-just-yet-novels-of-mine. so i have 4 thick novels that i havent began to read. (talk about massive amount of money spending!) so since after midterm today i decided to read. it was nice to be able to have me time while reading chick flick novels! it used to be my heaven :)

3. i can watch sad dvds!! i love dramas! i love crying because of them! so tonight i plan to watch my sad sad movies, and the world shall not bother me!! haha (fyi : i have plenty of tissue thank u!)

4. i can use t shirt and shorts, i dont have to use powder, i dont have to use perfume, i dont even have to brush my hair!! (this is a privilege of not going out! haha)

5. last but not least, i shall be happy because by being alone i can spend more time with my self, a very rare occasion lately; just me and my self (and off course my novels, dvds, laptop, tv) haha

now you know why i am still happy even though its BORING (maybe its actually not important to know, but hey its my bloG. u can pretend to care. lalalla. haha)

today's conclusion is:

Abigail is delighted as a bee who got the sweetest honey!! (this tendency of mine to exaggerate language needs therapy. SERIOUSLY)---

the blog is started to get annoyingly unimportant- BAH!

2010-03-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

what a song :(

(if you feel curious, do open the link)

I'm here, just like I said

Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made

My racing heart, is just the same;

Why make it strong to break it once again?

And I'd love to say "I do";

Give everything to you

But I could never now be true

So I say...

I think I better leave right now

Before I fall any deeper

I think I better leave right now

Feeling weaker and weaker

Somebody better show me how

Before I fall any deeper

I think I better leave right now

Will Young -Fall any deeper

"this is the farewell song for American Idol this year, nice one. the lyric kills!!!!"

this is wednesday, march 17th 2010 and this is a good day!

2010-03-17T05:56:00.000-07:00

hey there my blogog! i dunno what to name u so i name u 'blogog' aja lah yahh... wkwkkw
so anyway, today was a fun day..
started in the morning ujian Global issues (ujian yang aku baru tahu sehari sebelumnya, secara aku ga punya jadwal) hahaha.. untung open book klo ga riwayat perIPan tamat lah sudah..! haha
the test went just fine.. i managed to write til i felt i lose my hand (haha.lebay) tapi emang sih nulis 4 folio itu bikin mati (ga juga si) haaha

trus2 pulangnya i was super dizzy!! i thought i was dizzy because i sleep deprived, turns out stelah aku jalan k tmpat Ghe minjem catetan, kayana aku pusing krn kebanyakan tidur dan olah raga.. soalnya abis jalan aku malah jadi enakaan!! (haha. naonnnn! bikin malu ah bi!!) tapi ga tau juga mgkn gara2 ud mnum obt jd ga pusing lg (hha. gengsi ngaku kebanyakan tidur)

oh ya, one thing that made my day today was the announcement that me, wafa, n rara entered the top 20 for EU inter-varsity debate competition! YAYY!! it seriously made my day.. proud i am i must say, oh i love thisss!! yums yums! Thank You Tuhan Yesusku sayang, all is impossible without Your blessing. I LOVE YOU BIG TIME.

so now i am reading (or trying to-) MIHI, yang sebenernya juga bukan catetan aku tapi catetanna Louisa.. hihi.. BANYAK banget ehhh!! sbenernya si klo aku konsen, aku pst ngerti (gayanya setinggi langit!).. cm yah banyak godaan.. ahaha.. skg aku lg makan rujak (malem2 rujakan emang ga nyambung sih) dan asemnya mengalihkan perhatianku dr MIHI! haha. naon nyalahin rujak.

ohhh at the end of the day it was a good day indeed.. thou i havent understood a tiny bit of MIHI (just yet) but we can always chillax (at least, I CAN ALWAYS chillax) hehe. no need to gawat2 lah. wont help.
im waiting for raja now, we'll go out to grab some diner.. talk about the need of study!!! ( i guess i will just wake up early tomorrow and learn) hahha.

okay then blogog.. this is it for now. im in such a good mood, need no complain (yeah im sorry i complain too much abt my life when its actually can be sum up as quite superb) hehe
i read this renungan pagi this morning, and said 'happiness is a choice, wake up every morning and decide for your self that you will feel happy today'! a total stealer! i do need to decide to be happy everyday!!

nothing to worry about for God is good, and He'll make everything good. AMEN to this sister! :)

2010-03-16T01:12:00.001-07:00

i've let so many stories enter my life with each one of them end in unhappy endings, now for the first time in my life, i reject the unhappy ending. i just want one happy ending. just one single happy ending.

after church

2010-03-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

so it was another church day with my bestie Ghe..
and as usual
we're late (because of me) maaf ya Tuhan Yesus.. jangan marahhh...

ARRIVED AT CHURCH

mbak2 gereja : lewat tangga di sana aja yah
Abi n ghe : *nodding*

........jalan ke atas.........

jeng jeng jeng penuh lah semua kursi (untungnya yang telat bukan cm kita.. jadi bingungnya rame2) lol
so we went back downstair waktu orang2 lagi berdoa, untungnya ada kursi tambahan

"makasi ya Tuhan Yesus, minggu depan ga telat lagi. amin :)"

AFTER CHURCH @ Pizza Hut

Ghe: so kamu ama raja teh gmn?
Abi: yah backstreet ghe.. klo ketemu orang yg dia kenal keluarga atau apa gt di mall yah lgsg ga pegangan tangan. uda ngerti keadaan lah
Ghe: sedih ih..
Abi: yah mau gmn lagi Ghe..
Ghe: yah tapi km di facebook kan go public. dia gmn?
Abi: yah engga
Ghe: hmmm. ya udah bi klo gt jangan berharap dia serius. klo dia serius pasti dia bangga lah megang tangan kamu. pasti dia malah ngajakin kamu buat ngadepin berdua, berani berdua. bukannya malah jadi takut n sembunyi2. kamu seneng2 aja lah bi sama dia.. jangan dibawa seriussss....
Abi: *merasa tertohok* iya ghe...

conclusion:
no matter how late we are (haha) to church God always grant us blessing, in my case He snapped me back to reality out of my day-dreaming through my friend Ghe.
thanks Daddy! You're the best :)

selamat yah alla!!

2010-03-14T01:14:00.000-08:00

hay bloggie..

this is sunday, so let me begin with HAPPY SUNDAY!

oh btw, today's blog entry is about my bestie alamanda hindersah yang baru jadian.. selamat yah cantik :)

seneng lah si ala.. ms inget lah aku wkt di kolam renang si ala crita2 ttg lelakinya yg ternyata guru les bahasa jepangnya (talk about comical romance! haha).. ehhhh.. ga lama udah jadian.. and berhubung 11 taon beda (rencananya. amin) bakal nikah after alla graduated.. how sweet! how beautiful it is if u meet the one for you then can plan everything for the future!! alah2 sudahlah.. my love life does suck a bit (future-wise) but i'll just stop talk abt it by now.. im sure my future husband somewhere somehow is out there.. lol..

so again..congratulation yah alla! hope everything goes according to plan!! nanti klo nikah aku harus jadi bridesmaid! :)

2010-03-12T21:12:00.001-08:00

RULES OF RELATIONSHIPS:

1. it shall make u happy

2. it shall make u better

3. it shall makes u smile more than cry

4. it shall take u to places u've never been before

5. and if you're dreaming of fairy tales, ur relationship should be as good as ur dream

never.settle.for.something.less.once.u.know.what.u.deserve

coba katakan

2010-03-12T00:51:00.000-08:00

coba coba katakan kepadaku bahwa kita sedang berjalan menuju satu alasan,
janganlah kau katakan bila kita memang tak ada tujuan, dari apa yang dijalankan,

aku tak ingin terus terdiam memandangi harapan,
terlena akan manis cinta dan berujung kecewa,
aku tak ingin terus menunggu sesuatu yang tak pasti,
lebih baik kita menangis dan terluka hari ini..

coba coba katakan kepadaku sekali lagi bila kita memang benar akan kesana,
buktikan dan buat aku percaya bahwa kita bisa, mewujudkan bahagia,

ohh.. oh.. habis sudah semua rangkai kata..
telah terungkap semua yang kurasa..
yang kuingin akhir yang bahagia.. hoo..

aku tak ingin terus terdiam memandangi harapan,
terlena akan manis cinta dan berujung kecewa,
aku tak ingin terus menunggu sesuatu yang tak pasti,
lebih baik kita menangis dan terluka..

yang ku inginkan..
satu tujuan..
sebuah kenyataan..
bukan impian..
bukan harapan..bukan alasan..
satu kepastian..

coba katakan..
coba katakan..
coba katakan..
coba katakan..

perfect song, perfect time, in such imperfect reality

2010-03-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

happiness is a state of mind heart

kebelet

2010-03-11T04:14:00.000-08:00

sekarang pukul 07.30 pagi
kelas bubar jam 09.00, dosen killer, itu berarti saya harus duduk tegap
ga boleh menggambar muka orang di kertas
gak boleh denger ipod yang ada lagu pitbullnya
seperti biasa si dosen dateng 10 menit melebihi jadwal
mana perduli dia tadi saya ga mandi, untung untung sikat gigi
saya melesat takut telat
ternyata dia yang terlambat
yang tua yang kuasa. dosen ga pengertian.

tik. tok. tik. tok
jam jalannya lama. kaya kura-kura. kaya sepeda tua.
saya mulai deg-degan

tik.tok.tik.tok
baru 15 menit dia ngomong, saya mulai tegang

tik.tok.tik.tok
10 menit rasanya lama. 10 menit rasanya seabad. duduk saya mulai tidak tenang

tik.tok.tik.tok
keringat dingin mengucur setelah 20 menit. sungguh. saya udah ga tahan

saya berdiri, saya buka pintu, cepat cepat menuju tempat peraduan
saya tahu muka dosen saya galak. kata orang dia mirip gagak.
tapi saya ga perduli. silahkan patuk saya. ini sudah gawat darurat
waktu ke tujuan hanya 1 menit

tik tok tik tok tik tok
saya terduduk.
bebanpun hilang dalam 10 detik.
saya kembali ke kelas dengan senyum merekah
saya pun sadar
sungguh menyiksa untuk belajar di kelas
saat saya...

kebelet.

07072011

2010-03-10T01:40:00.000-08:00

07.07.2011

"So u will leave me now?"

"Yes."

"Cant we just discuss this again? i mean lets make another agreement"

"No. we had made the agreement. The date is set, today is goodbye."

"Why is it so easy for you to let me go?"

"i dont love you. not anymore. today i've stopped loving you"

Here i am after our short conversation watching you go away. It hurts me deep inside that we should say goodbye, we really did share good moments like there was no tomorrow. I hate it to see you go away without me beside you holding your hand, without me beside you smiling and laughing, I hate to see you sad. I hate my self for I have caused you pain.

But today is our seven seven two thousand eleven date dear, we have promised to walk away and go our own way, and i am now keeping that promise.

When i decided to make the date of our goodbye, my heart burst in pain because honestly, if i may, i would love to love you forever but I cant, if its not me who hurt you reality will. And you will hate reality, you cant hate reality and life dear, you better hate me and go on with your life.

Im sorry for i said i've stopped loving you, i hope you dont know me well enough to figure out that i was lying to you. That i hurt my self to lie to you.

I apologize if in a lot of times you question how much I love you; it hurt me deep inside for i was unable to show you how much i wanna hold you, hug you, kiss you. But its better this way dear, you should not love me more than you already do, i cant make you love me more.

Im sorry dear if sometimes i was sad but i keep it to my self. Its just in our relationship, I know I cant share it to the world, I cant tell my mum nor my dad that i have a guy who loves me so much and neither could you; they just wont understand. It kills me, because i wanna be proud with the man i have beside me, I know for sure that he could take care of me well yet i could never tell that you really are mine. Because its our secret.. I could only keep you for my self, and it really hurts, i cried wishing the world to know how you have loved me. I cried and I cried, but nothing change dear. God must have granted His miracle to someone else, not us.

So dear, i know since today there will be no 'you' and 'I' together, but you know what dear? I guess there has been no 'you' nor 'I' for long. You and I has collided into us since i was with you, now that you're gone, what should i call my self? I cant be the individual that i used to be, because i have let go a part of me..

Dont worry dear.. Even though tears fall down on my face now, I am still happy. In our relationship numbers of people called me stupid for I have loved someone i could never have, despite all that i know that i did not make a mistake. I have loved a superman, and he has made glad.

Now, i gotta let him go, i gotta let you go. You should see the world without me and find someone who suit you better. I am sure that one day i would be happy, no, not because i have someone new. But because i will see you in someone else's arms perfectly save and sound, you deserve it dear. Thank you for this one year, love. I shall never forget.

Bandung, 10 March 2010

-abigail sutika-

maybe i would.

2010-03-09T07:15:00.000-08:00

I am alone today in New York City, just finished my work earlier than the usual so i decided to stroll around Central Park. Its rainy today, thank God i bring my umbrella with me, i have always loved Central Park when the rain pours down on it, everything seems to be so romantic, yeah, romantic. A word that i haven't felt and experienced for so long, i could use a little romance to be honest, but living in New York is like living in a giant ice cube; people are cold, weather is cold, and to make it worse everything is moving on so fast, I'm quite sure it is why they call life here as life in the fast lane.

Some may say its my foolish decision to have decided to move and work here, but i am happy here, at least thats what i always make my self believe. I mean, for a woman my age who own an apartment on her own, posses the ability of buying branded clothes, drive her personal car and surrounded by good community of work, i shall be rewarded as blessed and lucky right? people often tell me that i shall not ask for more than these. Yet sometimes my tiny heart whom i've neglected for so long negate that statement, it said yes. i could ask for more. i could ask for more love.

Its not that i am lonely like this all the time. I used to be surrounded by many many love. when i was in my teenage life, i had couple of great boyfriends who gave me hugs, kisses, poems, and made sure i had a nice dream at night, but as we all know life is about choices; i chose to pursue my career, pursue my job, make my parents happy by owning my dream job. Everything since then change so drastically, i dont have time for romance. All i care about is the road to the next promotion at my work-field and the amount of money in my bank account. Those things become my source of happiness, or at least thats what i, again, always make my self believe.

So here i am quite lonely, if not very lonely, strolling around central park by my self. I've always loved quality time with my self though now the quantities has overruled the quality, but still i rather be alone with my mind rather than share it to others. Im too scared that they wont understand. I acknowledge that some of them said i am the one who dont give them chance to understand and grasp this complicated mind of mine, but please don't put the blame on me, this is what happen when you live in NYC; you lose faith to others.

The rain is pouring harder now, my Chanel suit can no more protect me from chills, my Christian Louboutin heels are starting to get slippery and my Gucci bag is almost wet. I think its best for me to go back to my apartment now, my dog bean who is also my only best friend, must has been waiting for me to feed him. I need to turn on my cellphone and listen to my itinerary explained one by one by my beloved secretary.

Just as i walk to my car i saw a vision of couple holding hands in front of me. If someone asked me would i like to exchange these brands of clothing on my body, which most women dreamed about every night, with a simple hand to hold like the one i just seen. I am afraid to say, that maybe, maybe i would..

Bandung, 09 March 2010
-abigail sutika-

the life i am in today..

2010-03-09T06:06:00.000-08:00

currently playing, maliq n the essentials-coba katakan

hay bloggie blog!!

saya skarang harusnya mestinya belajar.. tapi ya ampun saya malassss skaleeeeeee.. bukannya ngeremehin pelajaran.. sungguh deh.. tp bener2 de.. drtd ada aja yg saya urusin.. mungkin krn td beberapa jam ngerjain tugas, saya udah ga mood lagi belajar ya *alasan yg sungguh di buat2*

oh btw, its UTS now. i was wondering now that i am planning to go to Unpad for law and even worse plan to join mootcourt, if i keep on being the lazy donkey that i am now, i am quite sure i will die. yes. LITERALLY die. lol.

omong punya omong, resolusi tahun 2010 blum ada yg tercapai kecuali

'put friends and family before boyfriend' lol.

but yah udah lah yah. its still march. *yeah abie yeah live in denial!!*

oh well i have TONS of stuffs on my mind; UTS, Unpad, my-oh-so-do-not-know-where-to-go-relationship, and my messy room (yah yg terakhir si purely cause i am jorok. bah) haha

oh well again about love (this is the main subject of my blog. LOVE. so if ure bored please leave *galak loh* haha) smakin ga jelas loh. disaat semua orang merencanakan tahun pernikahan/pertunangan/perpacaran(lol) aku malah merencanakan tanggal perputusan. yayaya. stupid i know but yeah, where to go lah.

seperti kata bang maliq dan temennya essensial (NAON)

'aku tak ingin terus menunggu sesuatu yang tak pasti, lebih baik kita menangis dan terluka hari ini'

maybe to say goodbye today is better, as i will love u more tomorrow.. but yeah.. lets just be happy 'til the date comes :') klo kata ibu aku sih aku pacaran dan buang2 hati. bodoh, ngapain mau sakit hati sendiri. haha.

irony oh irony

okay then bloggie blog. will report to u 2morrow. gotta learn now for the sake of good GPA!

love love

-abigail sutika-

2010-02-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

i want to fall in love and be able to show it to the world

i want a love with no fear

i want a love without being scared

i want to hold your hand in any crowd

i want to bring u home

i want to be madly, madly in love

and be happy because of it

i wanna be happy because of love

i want to sing and laugh and smile and dance because of it

i want to feel sunshine when its rainy

i want to feel the love and its magic

ohh.. i wanna be in love

the love that i can share

not the one i keep alone

everything is better when we share, isnt it?

2010-02-25T09:50:00.001-08:00

when u said something really really serious, personal for you, u expect to be cared about yet the person u're talking with literally laugh at u and make light of what u said, what would you do??

here's what i will do

i will not do the same mistake ever again.

2010-02-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

why oh why would i start something i know for certain would end anyway??

abby, abby. u are just plain stupid sometimes..

2010-02-24T01:31:00.000-08:00

beannnn..
kangennnnn.. pingin liat bean :(
lagi apa?? seneng ga di surga?? maen2 sama siapa aj??
huxx.. kangen
aku kangen peluk kamu dekk.. huuuuuxxxx... kangen skaliiiii :((((((

2010-02-22T08:50:00.000-08:00

GOD WORKS IN HIS MYSTERIOUS WAY

(indeed)

2010-02-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

h a p p y

2010-02-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

For the way you changed my plans

For being the perfect distraction

For the way you took the idea that i had

of everything that i wanted to have

and made me see there was something missing...

For the ending of my first begin

And For the rare and unexpected friend

For the way you're something that I'd never choose

but at the same time something i don't wanna lose

and never wanna be without ever again...

You're the best thing I never knew I needed

when you appear i had no idea...

You're the best thing i never knew i needed

so now it's so clear i need you here, always...

My accidental happily ever after

The way you smile and how you comfort me, with your laughter

I must admit you were not a part of my book

but now if you open it up and take a look

you're the beginning and the end of every chapter...

Who knew knew that I could be...

So unexpectedly...

Undeniably happy

With you right here, right here next to me...

You're the best thing i never knew i needed

when you appear i had no idea...

You're the best thing i never knew i needed

so now it's so clear i need you here, always...

-ne-yo, never knew i needed-

tragic or simply stupid?

2010-02-20T03:31:00.000-08:00

A : I love you

B: you do?

A: yes i do

B: prove it

A: how?

B: climb that tree then jump

A: (did just what B told and broke his leg)

-at the hospital-

B: sorry i cant love you

A: but why?? i did what i can, what u tell me to. u're so mean

B: no im not. if u cant love ur self and jumped from that tree, how do u expect u could ever love me??

A: ..............

2010-02-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

We got a little world of our own

I'll tell you things that no one else knows

I let you in where no-one else goes

there's a fine line between hopeful and stupid

2010-02-15T19:00:00.000-08:00

hmm.
after 2 failed relationship. after twice fell into the same hole, i cant stop wondering WHY AM I falling into the same hole again??
its true that people say differences are very beautiful, that variety makes your life colorful, however, in this case. NO its not pretty, its not colorful, its confusing.
do i hate differences? no i dont. i love it. i respect it. but in this matter, i somehow hope it doesnt exist. i also hope that i can contain my feeling not to made the same crazy decision.
At my two previous past relationship, the problem was only religion. BIG MASSIVE problem, but at that time i thought, well.. miracle happens.. somehow.
NOW in my current relationship not only religion difference, the culture, even the nationality is different. And so here we are in a 'backstreet' relationship. i dont even get parents permission (unlike my previous relationships) i dont know what to expect. i dont even wanna hope.
I used to say to my ex boyfriends, 'dont leave me yah dear..'(cliche i know). now, if i said it, i feel rather idiotic.
there's a fine line between hopeful and stupid. am i hopeful in this case that this relationship will somehow 'last'?? hmm. i dont know, not even dare enough to hope. but am i stupid to actually even begin a relationship that seems to be hopeless (future-wise)? maybe yes.
dont get me wrong. i love this guy. i enjoy every bit of seconds being with him. and i know one day if i let go of him, i'll cry. even though i have anticipated for the worst, but losing the one u care about, will always be hard. i always believe that im a smart person, bright at least, yet in this case of 'different' love life, i wonder if there's anybody stupider than i am. hmm. i doubt it.

valentine's day 2010

2010-02-15T04:46:00.000-08:00

2010 valentine's day was beyond my expectation!!!

1st : raja bought me beautiful flowers. something that i did not expect at all.

2nd: raja bought me a ring. something i did not expect even more

3rd: we had a wonderful diner at O. had tons of quality conversation. even though the weather was REALLY cold, i felt warm

4th: we spent the rest of the day playing PS3! yes! playstation 3!!we played Resident Evil. me, as usual, always become the victim, always died. i almost got a heart attack since the game has lots of 'crazy loco guys' in it. hehe, but raja saved the day. he always laugh seeing how stupid i was playing the game, he was so good at it (can somebody please tell me something this guy not good at?! lol)

it might doesn't sound like the most romantic valentine's day and maybe according to some people my valentine's day has an odd ending, however i enjoyed every bit of it. he's not just a boyfriend, for me he's also a best friend. with him i can do, say, act, wear anything. he wont mind and he wont complain.

so, again, thank you raja for the laughters. u made loving you so easy to do :)

fart friend

2010-02-12T03:08:00.001-08:00

me: did u fart?

my friend: no

me: seriously?

my friend: i guess

me: what??? did u fart or didnt u??

my friend: oh wait2. i think i did. sorry i forgot

me:............

how on earth could u forget u fart/not?!your ass is numb or what??! crazy

just some opinion

2010-02-11T22:00:00.000-08:00

i was in singapore when i heard the news that one of the professor in my university did a work of plagiarism. it was kind of embarassing to say honestly. siapa sih yang ga malu. professor, plagiat, masuk koran pula. those are like a perfect unwanted combination. sad if i must say, ironic to be exact. pastilah memalukan buat insitusi, buat unpar, karena setahu saya kejadian ini emang bener2 disorot. sampai jadi headline segede gede bagong di koran. buat saya sih ga penting yah, i mean, okay if u wanna did it once or twice, make a fuss about it. but to actually use it as headline for so many times, its kind of wasting ur paper's space.
in my humble opinion, i do not want to be a part f anybody (as to now people are divided into the pro-prof or anti prof). i dont take side, because i dont think there's any importance in taking sides anyway. what i think people have to realize is for now to stop actually pointing finger and said how horrible he is to copy one person's article (or maybe more) because he apologized already. buat yang protes ini itu dan sebagainya, menurut saya sih udah ga penting lagi. i mean what do u guys want? for him to apologize (well he did it) or for him to take back all the articles he had written (its too late isnt it?). i hate it when people protest yet they dont even know what is the purpose of their protests. ga ada ujung ga ada pangkal, muter muter aja di tempat yang sama. its seriously making no sense at all. u guys are making jokes of your selves.
people make mistake. and people will always make mistake. mungkin karena dia profesor jadi menurut banyak orang dia ga bole salah. tapi ya udah lah, dia emang salah. what u gonna do about it? show the guy some respect, if u think that he showed no respect to the original writer whose work he has copied, then lets us be the respectful creature here. stop bugging him, and get a life. let the man breathe for a while, after all, i guess he's embarrassed enough.
we, as the educated ones (so said we) i believe, we do have some more important things to do rather than just making fun protesting somebody.
its enough people, get your ass moving.

2010-02-11T06:35:00.000-08:00

I'll always be there.

There when the world and its promise

is failing.
There when the frost of its winter
is cursing.
There when the tears in your eyes
keep on asking me why.
I'll always be there.

2010-02-10T06:11:00.001-08:00

2010-02-10T01:29:00.001-08:00

we were always meant to say goodbye

2010-02-06T21:50:00.000-08:00

seeing and evaluating what has happened and is happening while im in singapore now. i am more or less convinced that if i were to be involved in a long distance relationship with my current boyfriend it wont work.

2010-02-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

never sacrifice any of your dream for a man. no man, no matter how good they are, deserve that big of sacrifices

THESE ARE MY FUTURE

and i will not sacrifice them

singapore.reported!

2010-02-06T07:00:00.000-08:00

hello blog!
this is 2nd singapore posting :)

just had the first day at the conference today, to be honest it was boring. maybe because i am not so much into the issue.. hmm.. but it was fun thou.. felt like a diplomat.. made me want to be diplomat even more (despite the fact that being diplomat = berat jodoh. lol) unfortunately at the conference (early in the morning) i was still sick, so its kinda hard to concentrate :( but God has been so kind that i did not faint :)

so and so, today also we had a blast at the delegates party (they called it the social night), we danced and we moved around much also made new friends :) the songs played were nice, remind me of bali :(

the majority of the delegates are indians, its like seeing my bf everywhere in the room.. haha
tomorrow would be the last day of the conference.. hmm.. honestly dont want this to over!! i love it here.. though i miss home, i somehow still enjoy the conference and etc.

singapore is a warm welcoming country. its an honor to be a part of it :)

2010-02-05T07:36:00.000-08:00

If you think missing me is hard, then you should try missing you.

-- Author Unknown

hello SINGAPORE

2010-02-05T07:21:00.000-08:00

-abigail is now joining NTU-MUN-

i am currently in my 606 hotel room alone (yes. i have the room all for my self)! reading materials for tomorrow's conference.. i have to read 42 (yeah 42) papers of pandemic influenza.. such a pain in the ass, but i'll live. hhaha

oh btw, this is the first time i go to singapore and the second time i actually go outside the country (both for the same reason-Model UN), and as what people said this country is super clean! i wonder why oh why Indonesia cant be just half as clean as this country...too little too late i guess..

while i am reading these loads of materials, i also have to suffer due to diarrhea problem (it sucks big time!) and fever!! huhu. (maybe im not used to such a CLEAN environment! ahahhaa. pathetic)
its so hard to work hard when ur body doesnt want to compromise.. super annoying.. i cant eat and cant even drink.. the tummy hurts a lot.. *sigh* hopefully i'll get better by tomorrow.. i have to.. its competition tomorrow..i cant afford to be sick and go home knowing i cant do my best :(

okay then, i'll inform u later the progress of my NTU-MUN. wish me the best of luck :)

2010-02-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

cantika: what did u write on your blog??

me: just some quotes

cantika: love again?

me: yeah

cantika: ever since i read your blog its always about love! the only different one is the one where u wrote u're kelaparan. try write something else!

me: .......... (lalalalala)

i think i LOVE love too much.

2010-02-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

-- When Harry Met Sally

2010-02-03T09:44:00.000-08:00

dear you;

thank you for today. for have taken my hand and danced with me. it might not be under the moonlight, it might just be one spontaneous deed of yours, but for me, it was a dream come true.

"Life is not the amount of breaths you make, it's the moments that take your breath away."

from the movie, "Hitch"

2010-02-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

"If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?"

If you have one true friend, you have more than your share (i have more than one. lucky lucky me)

2010-02-02T06:44:00.000-08:00

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."
-Tim McGraw-

exhaustedly happy!

2010-02-02T05:32:00.000-08:00

hello blog.
im beyond exhausted today (exhausted in a good way, off course) also beyond full at the same time. haha. i just ate sushi with my dearest friend CANTIKA whom i believe has suffered a lot through out this day because of my stupidity and nonsense.
i was a complete retard today, i dont even know why. at one point i talked to the bananas, out of no reasons and as u must have guessed the bananas did not whisper back at me. haha.
but overall its a good day..i still need to pack my stuffs for singapore, however today's 3 classes (including one bored-to-death-guest-lecture class), sushi diner, and extreme laughing times with my bestie are superb! i am super blessed!!

thank You Boss. i heart You :)

dream.

2010-02-01T08:04:00.000-08:00

hey blog!

i had a good day today with my bf. we had diner and went to pvj..it was fun :)

oh anyway, we were hearing this presentation CD from a successful man who had a very tough past, and i kinda get some lessons from hearing that CD:

1st

ur past doesn't define u

that guy (in the CD) had a rough past. he was a bad guy. (its a long story) the important part i wanna share is he woke up and he decided to make a betterment in his life. he chase after his dreams.

hearing his story makes me realize that the past is the past. sometimes if it destroys u its not because its cruel, but because u allow it to. if u live in fear, u wont be able to be thankful of what u have. u cant use the opportunities in your life. i missed out chances. happiness is a state of mind, so is fear. u can choose to fear, to be afraid or simply to move on and be brave.

2nd

to have someone to love; it means everything

i mean, i know we really want to be loved, yet we forget the power of loving others. that person in the CD was a success because he did what he did for the people he loves. for his wife and his kids, not merely for himself. to have ur beloved is like having an extra power, extra push. if we start to love others more than our self, we can do anything for them. we can change, we can work extra hours maybe days. because love is a big big power, it creates miracle.

everyone has a dream; big or small, beautiful or mean (sometimes). everyone can dream, its a super easy deal to dream. the only thing that distinguish us is our pursuit towards our own happiness. some of us try; some of us dream and remember to wake up and chase those dreams. yet some of us (unfortunately) stay sleeping, we actually live in the dreams; we hope for miracle yet we forget we can actually make miracles. and if we talked about God i am certain that even God would love to lend a hand to those who try to have a better life rather than those who only wait.

i am proud of my bf, because not only he dream big, he also make the best out of what he has. he uses his talent, and he doesnt waste his time. he do acupuncture, multilevel marketing, he help his dad work at the store, he gives private lesson to kids, and he's man who has A MASSIVE love for others in his heart. he's a superman, maybe not with a super power, but a super big heart.

one day with the biggest faith in this heart of mine, i believe he will achieve anything, after all, he deserves it. :)

2010-01-31T23:23:00.001-08:00

saya mau pingsan kelaparan. tolong.

2010-01-31T21:42:00.001-08:00

1 februari 2010

2010-01-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

sekarang pukul 3 dini hari

seharusnya saya tidur

seharusnya saya lagi mimpi

tapi saya masih duduk

masih mikir

masih merenung

sekarang pukul 3 dini hari

tanggal 1 february

saya cinta bulan ini

dulu karena ada kamu. sekarang alasannya bukan kamu.

tahun lalu bulan february saya senang tapi takut

tahun lalu saya bingung

waktu saya butuh punggung kamu ga mendukung

saya lari mengejar mimpi, kamu lari pergi

tahun lalu bulan ini saya senang

pulang ke rumah ada kamu

saya kira semuanya sudah baik

tahun lalu bulan ini saya sudah merasa kamu yang terakhir

tapi ternyata setelah setahun kamu sudah pergi

februari tahun ini ada cerita baru

ada tangan baru untuk peluk

februari tahun ini ga ada kamu

yang ada cuma aku dan mungkin cinta yang baru

terima kasih februari tahun lalu.

sampai ketemu.

-abby february 1st 2010-

2010-01-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

Mysteries of destinies
They are somehow
And are someway
For all we know
They come tomorrow
For today
*John Legend-Someday

2010-01-31T10:58:00.001-08:00

hello FEBRUARY 2010!

2010-01-31T08:45:00.000-08:00

thank You for Your endless love and mercy Dad!

i love you my Big Boss.

Hmmm. love again.

2010-01-31T08:28:00.000-08:00

im kinda confused with the concept of love (yes. i'll talk about love again. if u feel bored, feel free to stop reading my blog. haha)
as to now my problem (well not really a problem maybe) i am sort of n this kind of relationship which my parents do not know (well they knew, then they disagreed, so yeah the story went that i said i am not in a rltshp.cliche)
so now im in the middle of thoughts, some people said that if u love someone u have to fight for them. in Indonesia term (males nerjemahin) "cinta itu penuh perjuangan" cieee. bahasanya. haha. but i ALWAYS think that in this matter the 'perjuangan' is not really required. i mean if it is "meant to be", my parents should have agreed, rite? that Boss should have touched their heart and tell "its okay he's a nice guy let abby be with him" the universe should conspire and let me be with "the one".
hmmm. so now im confused. as to what to do. i dont want to brag to my mum and dad, said "mum dad i am fighting for this loveee!!" haha. that would seem silly!! and beside my mum and dad usually agree on any choices of man i wanna date (read: date NOT marry) so i am kinda surprised that with this one particular good guy whom my mum said looked like a bad guy, why they're so much into disagreement? is it mean that he is a bad guy for me? not a good man? or not meant to be?
or is it mean that i should somehow try to say good things about him? fight (or try to fight) for this man who treat me well??
see, im confused. i know he's a good man, but parents have the BEST intuition (so said people).
what should i do. i hate backstreet (cie backstreet) relationship. no fun.
the worst case, the disagreement come from both party, mine and his!! this is so sinetron! hahaa. it felt weird to have this kind of relationship. it feels wrong
but at the same time it feels good to be loved.
oh love love love.. stop making me confuse
BOSS come on.. give me a good love story lahhh.. i could use a happy ending here! U know ive cried like crazy for so many cases of broken hearted, rnt u tired already listening to me whining and whining about fairytales lalalala?? hehehe
i think love story is not really my best friend
they're always complicated
ckckckc. worst part is, i think im getting used ti complication of love (hahaha. lebayyyy!!)

:(

2010-01-31T05:44:00.000-08:00

backstreet = susah

mau sampai kapan?

2010-01-31T01:47:00.000-08:00

today i felt the euphoria and superior feeling of going out on a date,

turn out the plan was cancelled.

mood off, but well, its nobody's fault.

I'm just gonna watch August Rush

the review said:

"your heart will be singing and your spirit will soar"

perfect, just what i need

oh please make me feel better.

i suppose he could be a good therapy.

2010-01-30T23:04:00.000-08:00

I. AM. A. PESSIMIST

who tries to be optimistic constantly

glasses = porn star ??

2010-01-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

1'st story

ME : can, look at me using glasses. Ary used to say i look like a porn star pake kacamata

Cantika : (gasp) Oh My God By! emang kaya porn star! u just need a whip!!

ME : .............

2nd story

ME: raj, kata cantika aku kaya porn star pake kaca mata. males bgt

Raja : (ngeliat lama...) iyah si.. emang kaya porn star

ME: .............

come on people! this is smart!! not porn star!!

random-ness

2010-01-29T18:03:00.000-08:00

i woke up late today and skipped my "islam and politik global" class, not proud at all, but what can i say, when u're sleepy, u're sleepy. theres nothing u can do about it. haha.

this is saturday! yay! i miss my usual saturday night in Bali.
(the saturday night that includes: boyfriend, holding hands, diner, and watch in cinema).

Some people might feel weird as i love going to the mall so much on saturday night, but for me its special. A Saturday night with my boyfriend, feels like a ritual. I sort of distinguish between going on a date on Saturday and other weekdays. weirrrd (tell me about it).

blah blah. this is so not important. hehehe. but anyways, hopefully today i have a greaat saturday night with my girlfriends. that'll be awesome too! *cant wait* :D

2010-01-29T17:52:00.001-08:00

oh james morrison. i want to marry u!

2010-01-29T09:43:00.000-08:00

i've made so many wrong decisions in terms of choosing man.

oh well.

the hell with it.

im happy.

that matters the most.

2010-01-29T09:13:00.000-08:00

i miss you bean.

play with the other angelic fishes in heaven yah

<3 u always

2010-01-29T09:09:00.000-08:00

BALI. SUNSET

.home.

2010-01-29T06:17:00.000-08:00

i might not love you as much as i supposed to, but with this love that i have, i'll hold your hands through the worst days.